


Mad at Myself

by LemonNinjaa



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 07:33:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2142510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LemonNinjaa/pseuds/LemonNinjaa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chester was always afraid that the best thing in his life would leave, since everyone always left. But the best thing in his life is here to stay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mad at Myself

Chester punched hard enough to make his knuckles ache, but not enough to leave an impression in the drywall. He bit down on his lip, trying to stifle the cries that were fighting their way out of his throat, leaning forward to rest his weight on his forearm against the wall.

“Why can’t I just stop doing this?” He whispered to himself in anguish. “I just want to stop thinking… He doesn’t deserve this from me, I just want him to be happy and I want to be happy with him, but why won’t my mind shut the fuck up?!” His voice raised to a yell at the end, echoing in his empty apartment.

He pounded his fist against the wall, as if he beat on it hard enough the vibrations would clear his mind. Tears flooded down his pale cheeks, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was just too emotional and pathetic, too damaged for anyone to love him.

He turned, resting his back against the wall, before sliding down it and resting his forehead on his knees. His arms naturally hugged his bent legs like his body was subconsciously trying to keep him together.

“Mike… I love you so much. I’m so sorry I can’t be better for you. I’m just so afraid… You’re so much better than me, you deserve so much more than somebody pathetic like me. I just want you to be happy, even if that means you have to leave me behind. God, I can’t help feeling like I’m just a burden to you, like you put up with me since you’re just a good person like that. I don’t want to think like this anymore but it plagues me every time we’re apart. I’m so afraid…” He whimpered, his voice muffled. “I just wish I could be better for you… I don’t want you to leave me but you deserve more…”

It felt like he sat there for hours as he cried himself out. When he finally uncurled from his tight position, his body ached in protest and his eyes burned. He staggered to his bed, flopping down and eventually drifting into an anxious sleep.

_“Mike! Please… I’m sorry, please come back!”_

_“I’m sorry, Chester, but I can’t do this anymore… Can’t you see that you’re smothering me? You’re holding to me so tightly and I can’t handle that. I can’t be with somebody who’s always trying to control me, who’s so afraid all the time. You just can’t provide what I’m looking for in a relationship. You’re not enough for me. I’m sorry, but we will never work out.”_

_Chester stood there, watching through teary eyes as Mike’s back disappeared down the dark street._

_“But Mike… I need you. I want you to stay, please! I’m sorry! I just want things to be okay, I’m sorry I can’t help the way I think! I’m trying to change, I’m trying to be a better person for you! I need you! Please don’t leave me like everyone else did…”_

_Mike’s disembodied voice echoed back to him._

_“I’m sorry, Chester, but I can’t do this anymore.”_

Chester jerked up abruptly, sweating and disoriented. His chest heaved with deep breaths as he tried to distinguish if that was just a dream or an actual recollection. He looked wildly around the room, calming slightly at the sight of various things scattered about that weren’t his, but were still familiar. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he padded to the bathroom, cringing slightly at his overly pale, drawn complexion. Chester stripped and got into the shower, hoping the water would wash away the remnants of the dream and ease his nerves. With a sigh, he relaxed as the warm water pattered down on his skin.

He was just walking out of the bathroom in loose sweats and a t-shirt when he found himself buried in a warm embrace. The familiar scent hit him and he smiled into the person’s chest before hugging them back.

“I’m home, baby.” Mike’s smooth voice caressed his ears for the first time since the multitalented man had left a few days ago for another art exhibit.

Chester inhaled, relishing the feeling of the man’s cologne filling his lungs.

“I missed you so much,” he spoke quietly.

“And I you,” Mike replied.

Chester squeezed tighter as he remembered his emotional breakdown the previous day, trying to push it out of his head and failing. Mike moved back a little, seeing Chester’s tense face.

“Babe? What’s the matter?” The darker man asked softly.

Chester took in a deep breath, still trying to dispel his irrational concerns. It had been a fear that plagued him throughout all of his previous relationships and quite possibly was a factor in why those relationships had failed.

“It’s nothing.” Chester tried to smile but knew he didn’t pull it off too well.

Mike looked intensely at Chester, studying his eyes.

“No, Chester, really. Tell me, what’s bothering you,” he prodded more firmly. “I want to know what’s on your mind.”

Chester sighed again; he didn’t really want to tell Mike but he knew that the man would keep pushing, and Chester was convinced that his reluctance to disclose what he was thinking about would just push Mike away as he feared.

“I… I’m just scared because I’m not good enough for you. I’m so scared that you only put up with me because you feel sorry for me, and one day you’re going to announce that you can’t take this anymore and you’re going to leave me and find someone else who deserves you, someone who’s better than me… Nobody could handle all of my emotional baggage, all the shit that followed me from Arizona…”

Chester closed his eyes, feeling uncomfortably vulnerable with his words hanging in the air. He’d never get used to articulating his fears, not when they seemed to come to life every time he entered into a relationship and trusted the person enough to share these things.

Unbeknownst to Chester, when Chester’s eyes closed in a visible sign of fear, Mike’s face just morphed into understanding. He put his hands on Chester’s shoulders, the unexpected contact causing the older man’s eyes to fly open. Chester was startled at the fierce emotion behind the brown eyes staring into his own.

“Chester, listen to me. I would _never_ settle for anyone that didn’t make me unbelievably happy, who didn’t make me feel the same way you make me feel. Your past made you into the person I love today, and I love you so much, more than I’ve ever loved anyone before. I feel so right with you, like you’re a piece of me that was missing all my life. You are more than good enough for me, you make days brighter and nights more peaceful, you outshine the sun and all the stars with your brilliance and you make me so glad every day that I found someone like you. I have the most fun whenever I’m with you and I hate whenever we’re apart. We complement each other, we can stand confidently on our own two feet but together we’re unstoppable. You may not be perfect but you are more than perfect for me, I love you more than there are hexadecimal colours, more than there are stars, more than there are square inches of outer space. I love your smile, your eyes, your laugh, the way you moan my name when we make love, the way you kiss me, the way you dress, the way you smell, the way you talk. I love your hands, your tattoos, your hair, your glasses, your everything. I love your everything, Chester Bennington, and I’ll be damned if you refuse to realize this.” Mike ranted, desperate to make Chester understand.

Chester just stared at Mike, feeling tears rushing to his eyes.

“No one ever made me feel as wanted as you,” he confessed quietly, his voice quivering. “Everyone always left me because they couldn’t stand my fears anymore. That’s why I’m so afraid, because they all left knowing that was what I worried about. I love you so much, Mike, I don’t know how I would go on if you left me too like the rest did.”

Chester flung himself at Mike, who stumbled back a little at the impact but wrapped his arms around the emotional man. Chester leaned back and pressed their lips together in a chaste kiss before speaking again.

“I love you so much,” Chester repeated, his breath warming Mike’s neck.

“I love you too. I’ll remind you every time you find yourself afraid again, okay? I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Mad at Myself - Issues :)  
> Have a cookie if you noticed that I threw in a line and a half from Numb lol.


End file.
